How to tell new grandparents they cant move in when baby arrives

I recently received a Christmas letter from a friend who is a first-time grandmother and it kind of worries me. She said that she and her husband had planned on traveling when they retired, but now they spend every-other weekend in a nearby state with their daughter, her husband and their new baby. I can’t help but wonder how the new parents feel about this. Maybe a weekend visit once a month would better, or even every-other month. New parents and their babies need time to bond and relax. I would have been annoyed if my parents or my husbands parents had moved in’ two weekends a month. It’s one thing to be a doting grandparent, but quite another to take up half of the weekends for your child and grandchild.

Just like you didn’t know about the intense love and emotions you’d feel when becoming a parent, you won’t understand the sometimes overwhelming devotion grandparents feel for grandchildren. You are the parent, however, and it’s best if you make that clear from the start. My daughter has four children and I would have moved in with them in a heartbeat, but of course I didn’t.

If you’re a young parent, your own parents are probably still trying to get used to the fact that you are no longer a child who depends on them for everything. So, when your baby comes on the scene it’s natural for those parenting instincts to kick in and also for grandparents to freak out because they see you as a child with a child.

Try to give them as much access to the baby as you’re comfortable with. If you set the rules regarding feeding, bed time, etc. and make them clear, most grandparents will respect your wishes and abide by them. Be prepared, though, for them to spoil’ the child just a wee bit, don’t be too rigid. A lot of give and take is involved and since you’re both probably new at being a parent or a grandparent, it may take a while for you to sort things out.

Chances are, if you have a second or third child, you will want your parents’ help and companionship more often, but maybe not. It’s up to you to set the pace and the rules. I know that I’ve been out of line more than once, as a grandmother, and I didn’t realize it until my daughter kindly, but firmly pointed it out to me. I was a little taken aback, but realized that she was right. We grannies mean well, but we do get a little over-involved at times. When you start duct-taping padding to all the pointy edges in their home or have their pool drained, your kids are not going to be amused unless they give you permission.

Communication is the best way to avoid hurt feelings. If you feel your parents are crowding you, gently try to let them know that you need more time alone with your new little family. In most cases they may be a little put off or surprised by this, as they probably feel that you’re thrilled to have them around night and day. But, after they think about it and maybe remember how they felt when you were a baby, they’ll come around. Having everyone in agreement about who’s the parent and how much time the grandparents spend with them will make for a less stressed out baby. Babies are very intuitive and sense uncomfortable vibes’ more than you’d think.